Josh (the blog)

Hey there. I’m Josh, a SydneyCanberra-based maker of Internets. I don’t update this very often.


CarHack; or, Vehicular Appropriation for Refrigeration-Enabling Purposes; or, Grand Theft Auto

“Fine, go and steal a car then!”

– A Bible study leader whose identity will remain anonymous.

Last night Stealthy Selo, Maurading Mark, Getaway Gem and I stole and proceeded to dismantle a car.

2231: Getaway Gem pulls up outside a house in suburban Matraville. There is an anxious wait for all the car’s occupants; the Insider is not yet Inside, and thus several nervous minutes were spent in contention over who would play Jawbreaker (alas, there was no Bejeweled).

2240: The Insider arrives in an unmarked vehicle. Stealthy Selo moves in to rendezvous point, contact is made. The Insider proceeds inside: but there is a complication! The keys have been obscured, so a further accomplice is required on the Inside. The accomplice succeeds in returning with a key — but it is the wrong one! With much trepidation, he returns inside on a second reconnaissance task, this time emerging with the correct keys. The car in question had already been entered, but hot-wiring cars remains marginally beyond even our elite covert-ops abilities.

2252: Stealthy Selo climbs into the car, which is situated on a slight incline. Without starting the engine, we release the handbrake and roll/push the car some thirty meters from the house. Getaway Gem waits further up the street: she clicks on her lights, and starts her car as Stealthy Selo climbs into front passenger seat, Marauding Mark the back, and I the driver’s. The Appropriated Vehicle starts first time (!!) and I pull out with Gem following.

2303: The convoy arrives at HQ, whereupon cars are parked, shuffled, and re-arranged so as to enable sufficient access to the Appropriated Vehicle.

2330: The Appropriated Vehicle is emptied (no meagre task), and various cleaning commences. Simultaneously, the destruction begins.

In this process, a few strange things are discovered: not to be deterred, we continued in our quest to install a fridge. We needed power in the boot of the car… and, short of removing the entire dash, the best we could do was stealing it from the cigarette lighter socket. If we had more time, I would have tapped the back of the lighter socket’s power and re-crimped the terminals before replacing it, but we didn’t (have time). A small casualty for a completely-useless-but-rather-cool addition to the boot of any car!

We were finished by about 2:20 am this morning, and un-appropriated the vehicle in due fashion before making an escape in the Odyssey, which had been deposited there earlier that evening in a cunning manouver orchestrated by Getaway Gem’s stealthy sedan (I really can’t remember if it’s a sedan or not, but cheesy alliterative effects are too good to be passed up! Read it and CRINGE! Muwahahaha. And it was stealthy. Appropriately missing an interior light, her car could have snuck up on anyone!). All was done by 2:40… some eight-and-a-half hours later our covert adventures were uncovered.

Happy birthday, Tim!

Full coverage available in this Flickr photoset. We were kind of busy and not taking photos often-enough, so maybe there’ll be some photos of the fridge itself in the not-too-distant future!