University Student Strategems for Horizontal Cleanliness

18 Aug 2006

1. Wear clothes.
2. Remove clothes periodically. Once every several days should suffice.
3. Having removed clothes, strategically project aforementioned attire upon some unsuspecting, otherwise-clear, patch of floor.
4. Repeat for a moderate period of time (n.b. period of time determined by the interval specified in #2, above)
5. Await absence of clean (or acceptably deodorisable) clothing.
6. Decide it is time to act: in sweeping manoeuver, collect items of apparel from floor and relocate for purposes of washing — or, in extreme cases, incineration.

The advantages of this technique are manifold. However, for the purposes of brevity, I will promulgate but two here:

1. That, in behaving thus, one should remove the need for a permanent carpet. Accordingly, vacuuming disappears entirely from the vocabulary of necessity, as this ‘carpet’ can be not only removed and cleaned at whim — and in parts! — but is, on the whole, already considered to be dirty and, as such, the idea of vacuuming that which was dirty upon ‘installation’ is, self-evidently, absurd.
2. That, in continuation of the floor-covering theme, upon removal at periodic intervals, one may readily enjoy a clean surface that lies beneath, which has been not only protected from the maladies of day-to-day exposure; it has, in accordance with the “sweeping manoeuver” alluded to above, been also immediately dusted and revealed as a vast, undiscovered expanse.

It stands to reason, therefore, that all other manners of habitation are vastly inferior, substituting true efficiency for an illusion of cleanliness — which could, in fact, be no further from the truth — outshone by the innumerable advantages offered by such a ‘slovenly’ (thus spake the accusers) mode of living.

As an addendum, let it be acknowledged that much of the above theory is wholly dependent upon the looseness of deposit: that is, folded clothes are no-where near as efficient in their capturing, covering, and sweeping capabilities, and should accordingly be avoided insofar as is possible for effective application of the above theories.