University Student Strategems for Horizontal Cleanliness18 Aug 2006
- Wear clothes.
- Remove clothes periodically. Once every several days should suffice.
- Having removed clothes, strategically project aforementioned attire upon some unsuspecting, otherwise-clear, patch of floor.
- Repeat for a moderate period of time (n.b. period of time determined by the interval specified in #2, above)
- Await absence of clean (or acceptably deodorisable) clothing.
- Decide it is time to act: in sweeping manoeuver, collect items of apparel from floor and relocate for purposes of washing — or, in extreme cases, incineration.
The advantages of this technique are manifold. However, for the purposes of brevity, I will promulgate but two here:
- That, in behaving thus, one should remove the need for a permanent carpet. Accordingly, vacuuming disappears entirely from the vocabulary of necessity, as this ‘carpet’ can be not only removed and cleaned at whim — and in parts! — but is, on the whole, already considered to be dirty and, as such, the idea of vacuuming that which was dirty upon ‘installation’ is, self-evidently, absurd.
- That, in continuation of the floor-covering theme, upon removal at periodic intervals, one may readily enjoy a clean surface that lies beneath, which has been not only protected from the maladies of day-to-day exposure; it has, in accordance with the “sweeping manoeuver” alluded to above, been also immediately dusted and revealed as a vast, undiscovered expanse.
It stands to reason, therefore, that all other manners of habitation are vastly inferior, substituting true efficiency for an illusion of cleanliness — which could, in fact, be no further from the truth — outshone by the innumerable advantages offered by such a ‘slovenly’ (thus spake the accusers) mode of living.
As an addendum, let it be acknowledged that much of the above theory is wholly dependent upon the looseness of deposit: that is, folded clothes are no-where near as efficient in their capturing, covering, and sweeping capabilities, and should accordingly be avoided insofar as is possible for effective application of the above theories.